Anagomezgarcia’s Weblog

This is a blog for my students at the Official Language School in Valencia

Monty Python for 1B1 May 16, 2016

Filed under: Uncategorized — anagomezgarcia @ 8:33 pm

A man walks into an office.

Man: (Michael Palin) Ah. I’d like to have an argument, please.

Receptionist: Certainly sir. Have you been here before?

Man: No, this is my first time.

Receptionist: I see. Well, do you want to have the full argument, or were you thinking of taking a course?

Man: Well, what would be the cost?

Receptionist: Well, It’s one pound for a five minute argument, but only eight pounds for a course of ten.

Man: Well, I think it’s probably best if I start with the one and then see how it goes from there, okay?

Receptionist: Fine. I’ll see who’s free at the moment.

(Pause)

Receptionist: Mr. DeBakey’s free, but he’s a little bit conciliatory. Ahh yes, Try Mr. Barnard; room 12.

Man: Thank you. (Walks down the hall. Opens door.)

Angry man: WHADDAYOU WANT?

Man: Well, Well, I was told outside that…

Angry man: DON’T GIVE ME THAT, YOU SNOTTY-FACED HEAP OF PARROT DROPPINGS!

Man: What?

A: SHUT YOUR FESTERING GOB, YOU TIT! YOUR TYPE MAKES ME PUKE! YOU VACUOUS TOFFEE-NOSED MALODOROUS PERVERT!!!

M: Yes, but I came here for an argument!!

A: OH! Oh! I’m sorry! This is abuse!

M: Oh! Oh I see!

A: Aha! No, you want room 12A, next door.

M: Oh…Sorry…

A: Not at all!

A: (under his breath) stupid git.

(The man goes into room 12A. Another man is sitting behind a desk.)

Man: Is this the right room for an argument?

Other Man:(John Cleese) I’ve told you once.

Man: No you haven’t!

Other Man: Yes I have.

M: When?

O: Just now.

M: No you didn’t!

O: Yes I did!

M: You didn’t!

O: I did!

M: You didn’t!

O: I’m telling you, I did!

M: You did not!

O: Oh I’m sorry, is this a five minute argument, or the full half hour?

M: Ah! (taking out his wallet and paying) Just the five minutes.

O: Just the five minutes. Thank you.

O: Anyway, I did.

M: You most certainly did not!

O: Now let’s get one thing quite clear: I most definitely told you!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh no you didn’t!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN’T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN’T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: No you DIDN’T!

O: Oh yes I did!

M: Oh look, this isn’t an argument!

(pause)

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn’t!

(pause)

M: It’s just contradiction!

O: No it isn’t!

M: It IS!

O: It is NOT!

M: You just contradicted me!

O: No I didn’t!

M: You DID!

O: No no no!

M: You did just then!

O: Nonsense!

M: (exasperated) Oh, this is futile!!

(pause)

O: No it isn’t!

M: Yes it is!

(pause)

M: I came here for a good argument!

O: AH, no you didn’t, you came here for an argument!

M: An argument isn’t just contradiction.

O: Well! it CAN be!

M: No it can’t!

M: An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a proposition.

O: No it isn’t!

M: Yes it is! ’tisn’t just contradiction.

O: Look, if I *argue* with you, I must take up a contrary position!

M: Yes but it isn’t just saying ‘no it isn’t’.

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn’t!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it isn’t!

O: Yes it is!

M: No it ISN’T! Argument is an intellectual process. Contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says.

O: It is NOT!

M: It is!

O: Not at all!

M: It is!

(The Arguer hits a bell on his desk and stops.)

O: Thank you, that’s it.

M: (stunned) What?

O: That’s it. Good morning.

M: But I was just getting interested!

O: I’m sorry, the five minutes is up.

M: That was never five minutes just now!!

O: I’m afraid it was.

M: (leading on) No it wasn’t…..

O: I’m sorry, I’m not allowed to argue any more.

M: WHAT??

O: If you want me to go on arguing, you’ll have to pay for another five minutes.

M: But that was never five minutes just now!
Oh Come on!
Oh this is…
This is ridiculous!

O: I told you… I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you PAY!

M: Oh all right. (takes out his wallet and pays again.) There you are.

O: Thank you.

M: (clears throat) Well…

O: Well WHAT?

M: That was never five minutes just now.

O: I told you, I’m not allowed to argue unless you’ve paid!

M: Well I just paid!

O: No you didn’t!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn’t!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn’t!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn’t!

M: I DID!!!

O: YOU didn’t!

M: I don’t want to argue about it!

O: Well I’m very sorry but you didn’t pay!

M: Ah hah! Well if I didn’t pay, why are you arguing??? Ah HAAAAAAHHH! Gotcha!

O: No you haven’t!

M: Yes I have! If you’re arguing, I must have paid.

O: Not necessarily. I *could* be arguing in my spare time.

M: I’ve had enough of this!

O: No you haven’t.

M: Oh shut up!

(Man leaves the office)

(VOCABULARY:git=titidiot-gob=mouthgainsay=deny-fester=become infected-toffee-nosed=snob)

Silly Job Interview / Careers Advisory Board

(Scene: An interview room.)

Interviewer (John Cleese): You know I really enjoy interviewing applicants for this management training course. (knock at door) Come in. (Stig enters)Ah. Come and sit down.

Stig (Graham Chapman): Thank you. (he sits)

Interviewer: (stares at him and starts writing) Would you mind just standing up again for one moment. (stands up) Take a seat.

Stig: I’m sorry.

Interviewer: Take a seat. (Stig does so) Ah! (writes again) Good morning.

Stig: Good morning.

Interviewer: Good morning.

Stig: Good morning.

Interviewer: (writes) Tell me why did you say ‘good morning’ when you know perfectly well that it’s afternoon?

Stig: Well, well, you said ‘good morning’. Ha, ha.

Interviewer: (shakes head) Good afternoon.

Stig: Ah, good afternoon.

Interviewer: Oh dear. (writes again) Good evening.

Stig: Goodbye?

Interviewer: Ha, ha. No. (rings small hand-bell) Aren’t you going to ask me why I rang the bell? (rings bell again)

Stig: Er why did you ring the bell?

Interviewer: Why do you think I rang the bell? (shouts) Five, four, three, two, one, zero!

Stig: Well, I, I…

Interviewer: Too late! (singing and ringing bell) Goodnight, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

Stig: Um. Oh this is, is the interview for the management training course is it?

Interviewer: (Rings bell) Yes. Yes it is. Goodnight. Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

Stig: Oh dear, I don’t think I’m doing very well.

Interviewer: Why do you say that?

Stig: Well I don’t know.

Interviewer: Do you say it because you didn’t know?

Stig: Well. I, I, I, I don’t know.

Interviewer: Five, four, three, two, one, zero! Right! (makes face and strange noise,)

Stig: I’m sorry, I’m confused.

Interviewer: Well why do you think I did that then?

Stig: Well I don’t know.

Interviewer: Aren’t you curious?

Stig: Well yes.

Interviewer: Well, why didn’t you ask me?

Stig: Well…I…er…

Interviewer: Name?

Stig: What?

Interviewer: Your name man, your name!

Stig: Um, er David.

Interviewer: David. Sure?

Stig: Oh yes.

Interviewer: (writing) David Shaw.

Stig: No, no Thomas.

Interviewer: Thomas Shaw?

Stig: No, no, David Thomas.

Interviewer: (long look, rings bell) Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding- ding-ding-ding. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

Stig: Oh dear we’re back to that again. I don’t know what to do when you do that.

Interviewer: Well do something. Goodnight. Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding, five, four, three, two, one . . .(Stig pulls face and makes noise) Good!

Stig: Good?

Interviewer: Very good – do it again. (Stig pulls face and makes noise) Very good indeed, quite outstanding. Ah right. (calls through door) Ready now.(four people come in and line up by desk) Right, once more. (rings bell) Goodnight, ding-ding-ding-ding-ding-ding.

(Stig very cautiously pulls face and makes noise. Interviewer rings bell again. Suddenly the four men all hold up points cards like diving or skating judges.)

Stig: What’s going on? What’s going on?

Interviewer: You got very good marks.

Stig: (hysterically) Well I don’t care, I want to know what’s going on! I think you’re deliberately trying to humiliate people, and I’m going straight out of here and I’m going to tell the police exactly what you do to people and I’m going to make bloody sure that you never do this again. There, what do you think of that? What do you think of that?

(The judges give him very high marks.)

Interviewer: Very good marks.

Stig: Oh, oh well, do I get the job?

Interviewer: Er, well, I’m afraid not. I’m afraid all the vacancies were filled several weeks ago.

(They fall about laughing.)

(Cut to man sitting at desk.)

Career Advisor (Michael Palin: Well that was all good fun, and we all had a jolly good laugh, but I would like to assure you that you’d never be treated like that if you had an interview here at the Careers Advisory Board. Perhaps I should introduce myself. I am the Head of the Careers Advisory Board. I wanted to be a doctor, but there we are, I’m Head of the Careers Advisory Board. (emotionally) Or a sculptor, something artistic, or an engineer, with all those dams, but there we are, it’s no use crying over split milk, the facts are there and that’s that. I’m the Head of this lousy Board. (he weeps, then recovers) Never mind, now I wonder if you’ve ever considered what a very profitable line of work this man is in.

(Cut to front door of a flat. Man walks up to the door and rings bell. He is dressed smartly.)

A Book at Bedtime – ‘Redgauntlet’

(Cut to studio: a silhouette of a man sitting on high stool with book.)

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: ‘A BOOK AT BEDTIME’

Voice Over: (Eric Idle) ‘Book at Bedtime’ Tonight Jeremy Toogood reads ‘Redgauntlet’ by Sir Walter Scott.

(The lights come up.)

Jeremy: (Michael Palin) Hello. (he follows the words closely with a finger and reads with great difficulty) The sunsoot… the siunsiett… the sunset! .. the sunset… waas… was was… the sunset was… deeing … d … ying dying… o … over… the … hile … hiel.., heels … halls … hills! of… slow … Sol … way … Firth… The… love piper… the lone piper… the lone piper… on… the .., bait … ly … ments … (smiles nervously) … of Edingrund … dydburing… Edingbir… Edinburgh! Castle … was… siluted … sil … sillhou…

(Another man enters, takes the book from his hands rather testily and stands by the chair. He smiles apologetically at the camera and reads.)

Second Reader: (John Cleese) The sunset was dying over the hills of Solway Firth. The lone piper on the battlements of Edinburgh Castle was silhouetted against the crim … crim … crimisy .., crimson! against the crimson strays … stree ..,

(One more reader enters and reads over his shoulder)

Third Reader: (Eric Idle) Streaked!

Second Reader: Streaked?

Third Reader: Crimson-streaked sky … in the shadows of… crrignu…

(He can’t make out the next word. The second reader also tries to puzzle it out and eventually Jeremy pulls the book down towards him and they all try to puzzle it out. A lot of head shaking. A technician enters wearing headphones.)

Technician: (Graham Chapman) Cairngorm! In the shadows of Cairngorm!

Third Reader: In the shadows of Cairngorm, the l… layered…

(A second technician and a make-up girl enter.)

Second Technician: Laird! The Laird of Monteu … Montreaux…

Make-up Girl: Montrose.

All: The Laird of Montrose!

Second Technician: Gal-lopped…

Jeremy: Galloped!

(battlement=typically shaped medieval castle wall top with “missing teeth”-Piper=bagpipe player as in Scottish music-Laird=lord)

Advertisements
 

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s